Goosebump Moments

Do you ever get so wrapped up in something that you forget everything else, and neglect things that matter? No? Let me elaborate.

I am not a fan of being injured. I don’t like people checking in on me to see if I’m okay (because when the answer is “no” I instantly am reminded that yep, I am injured), and I hate both complaining, and not being able to complete my daily tasks to the full extent. 

Sometimes when you focus in on things, like the fact that you’re in constant pain, you start to internalize that pain, or the negative feeing with it, and start to view yourself as your injury. That has been my experience anyways. If that’s all I can think about, than clearly that’s all everyone else can see, right? 

Well last night I decided that I need to be kinder to myself. I don’t have to be okay with feeling weak, but admitting I need rest or to take time off to take care of myself, is not something I should equate with weakness. If anything, it’s stronger to admit the need for help or rest. I finally was able to say that “I am not my injury” and that I am truly so much more. The cool part is, the people I’ve said this to, have agreed, and have kindly reminded me that I’m important to them, and that there is significantly more to me than this injury.

Admittedly, I had been feeling pretty low (again, from focusing on the minute aspect of myself), and a shroud of negativity covered me, not allowing me to fully embrace or feel the beauty of the place I work, or how happy I was to be at camp with the people I love, and doing a job that brings me such joy. 

After all, part of the reason I left the trail was to go back to camp. I was craving it, and then this injury made me forget it, because I was devoting my time to fighting the thoughts of how much pain I was in, and pretending to be alright. Well that was exhausting, and I was exhausted, so I didn’t feel the joy of being at the best place on earth.

I am so thankful for the kindness and words of the people I work with. Last night we had our opening ceremony campfire to mark the start of staff training. This took place right after I had met with the director about camp, about my heading home to rest, see my doctor, and hit restart on my summer, so I can come back to camp. Not this fake me that was there, but the real, awesome, B.A. Me. 

Anyways, I had been feeling kind of “meh” after my meeting, feeling like an inconvenience for leaving during training (even though I was assured this wasn’t the case, and even though it’s best). But at the end of the fire, some closing remarks were made that brought me back into myself.

My friend (and awesome awesome human), Kateshia, spoke passionately about how she truly believes in our program, and how we are her chosen family. Suddenly I was back sitting in Damascus VA, texting my friends about how I want to come home, to be at camp, with my family. 

Her words were followed by those of the camp director, Michael, who if you remember, I had just met with. I sat in tears, staring out at the lake as the water reflected in the shine of the full moon, and just was present. He spoke about the importance of the beauty of camp, and how we should cherish the “goosebump moments”. Those moments where you are so wrapped up and struck by something minute but so amazing, that it almost feels like time itself stopped, just so you could have that moment as a keepsake.

The goosebump moments where you finally connect with a struggling camper, or perfect your facilitation, or you see that the program you’re a part of, is working and being a positive presence in someone’s life. I’m lucky enough to have many lifetimes amounts of these goosebump moments, and in this moment at the fire, surrounded by old friends & new staff (who don’t yet realize the magic they’re a part of) all of my goosebump moments flooded my memory and vision, and I finally felt home, and no longer looking for something. 

I thanked them both for their words, and as cliche as it sounds, thanked the damn universe for again putting me in the right place at the right time. I’m already feeling more like myself, my confidence is coming back, and I’m once again excited about my 5th year with the organization that has given me as much as I’ve given it.

Cherish the goosebump moments, you never know when one could be exactly what you need. 

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. Lucky you! You get a bonus gratitude post!

Thank you so much to Pad Thai, Shell Sea, Insta-Graeme,mermmkuh, DTAB, Pip & S’moira for being incredibly positive presences in my life, and for bringing me back when I get lost in overthinking or being overwhelmed. Your patience, understanding, generosity & acceptance are all things I hope I can reciprocate whenever you need. I love you all & hope you realize how flipping exquisite you are. 

On Hold.

The short version of this, is that my AT hike has been put on hold until I feel well enough & have the resources enough to start hiking again.

Those of you who have been following along with this blog, and for those of you who have spoken to me recently, you know that my hip and knees are not doing too well right now. The cortisone hasn’t really helped the swelling or rigidity of my knees (which is frustrating because it did wonders the first time), and I’m still trying to navigate how to cope with a full day of walking and being on my feet, when my hip locks up or those tendons start to swell and strain.

While on the trail, I received a card from a family friend and it read “it’s not about how fast you go, it’s about the getting there”. Well essentially that has resonated with me, as I’m trying to feel 100% okay with the decision to postpone the completion of this trek. It’s tough when I see people I hiked with and care about, making it to all the impressive landmarks & having a blast as they do so. But hey, that’s their journey, and I WILL have that moment, just at a different time. I WILL summit Katahdin and it will be fantastic.

But I can’t get there, if I don’t take care of myself. It’s frustrating that the injuries I have now (especially this new hip one) can be traced back to misuse or failure to take care of myself (I.e. Not stretching or over use). If this were something minor like a strained wrist or something that wouldn’t be detrimental to the hiking experience, I would still be out on the trail, but sadly I’m not that lucky. These are the injuries that if I don’t attend to them now, I risk having problems with when I’m older. I mean, taking time off now so that I can still walk? Yeah that’s a big deal.

When I was on the trail, or rather, when I left the trail, I realized that I don’t want to be a solo hiker anymore. I think that’s why my dad coming to visit really had such an influence on my coming home. It’s not just that I was excited to see him, but when we hiked together, my energy and spirit felt revived and charged. But when we parted ways? All of that went away. When I go back on the trail, I intend on having someone (or maybe a 4-legged something) to hike with and share the beautiful landscapes with. I’m leaning towards a hiking dog, as there’s less chance of the dog wanting to leave the trail or spend all its money at a bar in town. Sure, logistically that might add some complications, but hey, I love planning, and I’m sure I could find the best possible outcomes.

This trail experience has brought me so much in terms of lasting benefits. My health (besides the aforementioned issues) is better than it has been in awhile. My confidence has skyrocketed, and I now truly know that my time and myself matter, and people who don’t see that, don’t see what I’m capable of, and clearly don’t know me or my worth. I feel more stable and secure in the things that I do (including my work) and have been able to maintain a clear and more positive head space.

My perspective on so many things has changed, and the way I interact with the world and the people I come into contact with has as well. I’m working on being more forgiving (of both myself and others), more patient/understanding, and just living in the present, without over analyzing every detail, or worrying too much about “what ifs”. After that hypothermia scare, the “what ifs” of a secure environment don’t really seem like things that warrant attention.

This summer will still be an adventure (especially since my job title will be Adventure Coordinator), so I’m sure I’ll be updating this blog from time to time. Until then, thank you all for your love and support. I hope you find time in your lives to have your own wonderful adventures, whatever they may be. 🙂