The March

So today I went on a training hike with over 100,000 people. And by training hike, of course I mean I was marching with the Boston Women’s March.

“But Hannah, what does this have to do with the trail?”

On the most basic level, these things are related as I will not sit by and watch a cabinet of climate change deniers ravage a world that they won’t even inhabit much longer (considering a portion of them are in their late 70’s). I will not allow the EPA to destroy the protections put in place, or find a way to allow the Department of the Interior to give away protected lands (such as national and state forests/parks).

On a not so basic level, I marched today because as a woman I should not have to be afraid. I am fortunate enough to have supportive men in my life, who do not behave in the ways outlined by the recently inaugurated Cheeto. But I know many women in the hiking community who are scared to hike alone, due to the men who are emboldened by this “locker room banter” or fascist/racist sludge that spews from their mouths. I refuse to allow a world where that becomes the norm, where women are scared to pursue the outdoors, or jobs, or anything because of what a man could do or say to them.

I marched because I live by the C5 code. I work to represent myself and my community well, to hold myself to a higher standard, to build the future I wish to see, and to respect each member of my community (though admittedly, respect is earned & this is the trickiest one to follow).

I marched because when my students say “Black Lives Matter” I want to show to them that not only do I agree, but I will use the power I have to be there and march with that movement and be an advocate for them. Because I know that anyone can agree to a statement like “Black Lives Matter” but actions speak louder than words, and agreeing is not the same as being an ally.

I marched because when I reassure these students that “it’ll all be okay” I’m not just saying that to say that, but actually taking the steps (both literal and figurative) to ensure that it will be. Call it practicing what you preach, call it my way of showing that their voices and stories matter, I’ll call it being a role model who is actually trying to model the leadership and reciprocate the leadership that they have taught and shown me. I thank them for  educating me so much, and will continue to be active like this, for them.

I marched because I have seen the effects of poverty and a dysfunctional HUD/housing system that leaves families waiting for housing for years. We are one of the most educated countries in the world, so why do we have the highest levels of homelessness? Why are we not helping these forgotten people? (Statistically speaking by the way, most are single mothers and children under 6).

I could go on and on, about how I support PP, LGBTQ rights, equality and equal pay, access to healthcare and quality treatment, and access to quality education, but I won’t because if you know me, you already know these things.

So instead I’ll leave it at this. I am proud as hell to come from families where women are valued. My great grandmothers were fierce immigrant women who took no shit, and built strong families. My grandmothers were and are some of the strongest, well-poised & proud women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing (and again, did not take shit from anybody). My mother has continued this legacy and raised me to be just as fierce, bold, unapologetic, charismatic, informed & poised as the women who formed the roots of our family tree.

I marched to maintain their legacy & the legacy of the women and men who protested, marched, and rebelled to get us to where we are today. I saw their faces reflected in the faces of those surrounding me, felt their warmth and love as the sun shone on my face & knew that this is where I needed to be, this is where my trail took me today.

The Trail Provides

Buckle up your seat belts kiddos, because it’s about to get real philosophical in this blog post (or should I say Dillis-sophical?)

“The trail provides” is something you’ll hear over and over again as you hike. And while some days that means you will happen upon some trail magic when you most need it, or the weather will turn bad right after you make it safe and sound to a shelter, I would like to argue that this mantra can be turned into a way of living.

Still with me? Great! I think that I’ve subconsciously turned “the trail provides” into an understanding of this nonlinear life I’ve come to embrace and accept. Instead of stressing over the things that I cannot control, I’ve begun to change my way of thinking. If something is right for me, it will come along (obviously I’ll still put maximum effort in where I can), and if the thing I think I need/want proves to not be what is right for me, I will embrace the decision of the universe or trail or whatever you choose to call it, knowing that something meant for me will make itself known.

If this were just mumbo jumbo, then why would Toni sing about it in “Something’s Coming” (West Side Story for those who don’t know). If you don’t know the song, do yourself a favor & listen to it. If you do know it, you have a better understanding of where my head is at right now. 

It’s hard to acknowledge the pros of putting “good vibes” out into the universe, or believing that the trail will provide in this philosophical sense without hearing myself sound earthy crunchy. But hey, if that’s a part of who I am now, I will embrace this new spiritual/energy understanding and move forward. All I know is, what you put out into the world is what you attract.

For instance, on the trail, I would think to myself “damn I would love a cheeseburger right now” and low and behold, at the next road would be some wonderful trail angel with a grill fired up and mountains of burgers. 

Another example? I didn’t think I’d ever go to college or be successful in school, until I started on this journey of letting go ofthe saboteur (who I’ve only recently named as such) and working to be present. Again, my worth is not tied to school or acceptance from people I never will meet, but here I am a college graduate who just found out she’s been accepted to a Masters of Science program at Suffolk University.

The trail has been bumpy, and it’s not always easy to keep pressing on when you can’t see over the incline to the summit, where the best views are. But hey, I did. I am surprising myself every day & putting my energy into the directions that I feel will bring me joy and fulfillment. So far the trail has provided, whether or not I’ve been able to see it, well that’s a different story. But from here on out, I will work to acknowledge these moments and keep up the progress. 

We live in a world where the wrong people will crawl into your happiness and place uncertainty or fear there, but if you wish to find happiness, stability, fulfillment, or whatever else you seek, you have to cut those people and those ways of being loose & plant the seeds of what you want to harvest.Though again, sometimes the trail provides you with weeds, so you can learn to better love the vines and deep rooted plants who will help you make your garden stronger and beautiful.

God, that took a turn for the self-help book. Wow. I also know very little about plants (except for cell structure oddly enough) so if that metaphor seems bogus, or you would like to substitute your own, please feel free to do so!

Anyways, go listen to the West Side Story soundtrack, plant your own plants, and remember the trail will always provide.

You are all a bunch of mitochondria (The powerhouses of the cell..be a force to be reckoned with!) 

Pupdate

This little lunk is still adjusting to life in our house. He’s still got some growing to do, but he’s learning & is incredibly smart and curious.

Each day with him is reminding me how important patience is, how there’s a fine line between being understanding and letting things slide that shouldn’t slide. He’s learning, I’m learning, and we are both growing together.

I’m more confident now than I originally was, that he will be a good hiking partner. It will be tough to gauge this and do the proper training with all of this snow (which he LOVES jumping in), but my plan is to do some winter excursions/test out some dog gear, and do some trial weekends up in NH once the first signs of spring come around. 

But for now, slow and steady. Focus on the present but also think long-term. 

2017

Not too sure who is still following this blog, or reading the posts that have been few and far between, but here’s an update!

I will be finishing my hike this year, not sure officially when, but obviously it will be after all this snow melts 🙂

I’ve also finally internalized the greatness of what I achieved on the trail. I had subconsciously resented that I hadn’t made it all the way to Katahdin in one go, while overlooking that I achieved a lot. Sure I didn’t meet my original mile goal, but I did meet the personal goals that I set. I’m still more sure of myself, more confident in who I am and what I have to offer, and more willing/dedicated to putting the time in to myself and my goals. 

It’s not that I’ve become selfish, but I have become more focused on doing what it takes to live the life I want and the way I want. I’ve hiked more of the trail than some people will in their lifetime, have lived through experiences that others never will, and have hit the reset button on multiple areas of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I never want to get caught unprepared while hiking in a snow storm again, but now I have new perspectives. I know I can survive through the scariest experience, and the “tough” aspects of my job are nowhere near as hard to overcome as that moment, or as hiking 21 miles in the day AND setting up camp before the sun sets.

I’m able to keep to a routine, to enjoy the smallest things, and I am actively working on keeping my inner saboteur at bay. I’ve realized that through everything in my life, I’ve been the only one who has stopped me from being myself, or achieving the things I want. There’s a privilege in that, and I have faced setbacks that weren’t my fault, but in the big picture of things, I’ve been the only one in my way.

Well not “me” but the aforementioned saboteur. I challenge you all to question that voice, to pause and think “wait why am I thinking this thing?” And move forward to think differently.

Another example: I’m actively applying to grad schools & was stressed about the whole thing (still am a bit) but I know I’m capable and know that I’ll find something that will work for me. If a school doesn’t want me? That’s their loss. If my GRE test doesn’t go so well? So what? I’m not going to let myself be limited  by the opinions of decision makers at schools, or test scores. I’m a tough, strong, dynamic human, and if this path doesn’t work out, I’ll find another way or try again.

I won’t stand still and let myself freeze in the storm. That’s not my style anymore. 

Go out, be your most amazing self & if you need me, I’ll be doing the same.